Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The reasons you wil won’t miss the mail

Good, you’ve sat down. I’ve just received an urgent letter from the Department of How is this a Shock to Anyone? It seems people don’t us the mail as much as they did in the past. The post office is in financial trouble. It’s OK, it’s gonna be fine. Shhhhhhhhhh. Relax. Deep breath.
Smidge of water will help.
Mail is probably the last option. FedEx or UPS for packages. Bills get paid online. Email distant friends and relatives. Holiday cards are about the extent and really that’s pointless with modern technology. I can e-card you a Baby Jesus and Rudolph trimming a tree that will grow your heart three times the size.
The mail won’t go away. It will just downsize. Fine. Mail is pointless. There are some things about the delivery of mail we will miss. Of course, things we won’t miss.
We won’t miss miss…
Mailers- They come in bulk and jam up the entire mailbox. Fliers from stores I’ll never shop in peddling products I’ll never buy. “Oh, Twizzlers are on sale!” Never uttered that phrase. I can check deals online, or better yet, just by walking into a store. “Oh my god. Twizzlers are on sale!”

Credit card offers- How many do you get in a week? Ten wouldn’t be to obscene of a guess. Most are from companies that with which you already have an account. One of my credit card companies sends a new card because I’m not using the old. Yeah, no idea how identity theft is such an issue in this country.
Other people’s mail- In my last house, I received mail addressed to the previous owner. And the owner before him. And the owner before him. Not just junk mail. Birthday cards. Invites. If you don’t know J♥ moved ten years ago I’m pretty sure you can mark her down as a NO for Saul’s Bar Mitzvah.

Stamp prices- Quick, how much is a stamp? Guessing “in the 40 cent range” won’t get your
Twilight fan club membership mailed. The answer is $.44. I had to look too. It’s an inconvenience. Watch this. Just emailed someone. Free. Also, no pressure of what stamps to buy. Well I do love Heroes of Ham but that kitten stamp is so damn adorable. Give me them all!!
Here is what we will miss…
The minor daily excitement- Fine, it’s not an adrenaline rush but coming home from work and thinking “people want to get in contact with me for possibly good reasons” does make a person feel wanted. Oh look, the eye doctor is reminding me of an exam and DAMN IT! Girl moved! Update your contacts.

Coupons- Sweet deals from local business. Money off pizza, dry cleaning, and power blasting the aluminum siding. All awesome offers that I never take advantage of but like to know are there every time I go to the fridge. What the hell else would all those magnets hold? Not my less than stellar report cards. Stupid Social Studies.

Getting the mail- Built in excuse to physically get out the house, get out of an argument or avoid manual labor. I’d love to move those couches but I’ve got to get the mail. I’d love to sit and talk with your parents but I have to get the mail. At the post office. In Guam.

Will you care if we never have mail delivered again?

No comments: