Thursday, August 6, 2009


Top Ten Worst Things to be When You Grow Up

A list. Simple.
1. Someone that only other 50 year olds find funny. You know the guy I’m talking about. He’s fifty and makes fart jokes at every possible moment and thinks he’s better than the rest. He probably has a blog that’s filled with jokes but will also show you his “soft” side with a poem. It’s okay to be him when you’re 11, but after puberty, stay away.

2. The guy in the Viagra commercial. The one with the gray tinged hair but looks like he used to play football. You can smell his cologne through the TV and his wife is always five years younger. We don’t care that you’re impotent, man. He also raises his eyebrows in that “Let’s get it on” sorta way that they can still show on tv but that everyone knows means “I want you here and now”.

3. The 40 year old man that chaperones his kids field trips without his wife. Or maybe not even his kids trips, just chaperones. Regardless, you don’t want to be him. Chaperones are great, but bring the spouse or else it’s awkward for everyone when you try to fit in with the kids. He also has cologne resonating around him. He’s the kind of guy who makes eye contact for too long and will hold onto your hand when you shake his.
4. The Gym Teacher who wears short-shorts and spreads his legs wide when he sits. The guy (or gal) that rushes to your aid if you need help on the parallel bars and has the desk pointing at the window into the dressing room. Needless to say, don’t be this guy.
5. Televangelist. Not sure what more I have to say. They’re loud, obnoxious, and way too persuasive.

6. The mom that makes her kids friends do manual labor in exchange for eating their food/hanging out, etc. No one goes over anymore because there’s a string attached. “Oh, you had a piece of cake? Take out the garbage” or “I drove you to the game, and you won’t even help me most furniture?
7. An actor on a soap opera, daytime kids show such as the Wiggles, or Fox News anchor. All three take bad acting and are scary for most adults to believe that people follow it.

8.The tough guy. The one who challenges 15 year old “punks” to fights outside of 7/11 because they looked at him wrong. The guy that will bloody your lip because you “looked at his girl wrong”. Seems like he’s a spilled beverage away from total ‘roid rage.

9. The guy that gets kicked out of a little league game and then waits by the umps car to “discuss” what happened. He’s the kind of guy that you don’t want to sit next to because he screams at his kid for dropping a pass, but screams at yours when he misses a block for his kid. He’ll kill you. Seriously. Don’t be him.

10. A Republican.

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